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and the light goes off
I’ve had a night that i’ve been dreading for weeks, months maybe. A conversation i’ve had nightmares about…more maybe just a conversation about something that gave me nightmares. I was…crushed. confused, humiliated, FURIOUS, but mostly just…crushed.
For a while I was a complete wreck. I might still be, in some ways. As in, I might loathe every subsequent 4th of July; the last two have been just…more than I can mentally or emotionally deal with right now.
But then I thought something else. Sitting on the backyard deck of my duplex, by myself, wondering why that weird red-flickering star is in a different spot than last night, I thought a completely different way. Different than “i hate myself/the last year was a huge mistake/nothing will ever be okay again/I wish I could go into sleep mode like a PC for the next … indefinitely”.
"…Maybe, I’m free now."
When your worst fear comes to fruition and you feel as wretched as you ever can, what else is there? You can no longer fear something that’s already upon you. It would make no sense. You don’t have to dread it anymore and it will no longer eat at your mind, wrapping it in anxiety. Something previously looming off in the distance, haunting your future, is now in the past.
And in that way, i’m free now. I sat in the dark watching that star flicker (I think I need to name it, it’s kept me company this week) and felt the strangest calm after the storm. I guess i’m free now? Of course, we’ll see in the morning how I feel. Unfortunately you can’t just decide to be liberated; you can’t control where your mind and heart wander all the time. But for now…I guess I can be comforted by this unfortunate stroke of luck.
Happy independence day, guys.
"Reach down your in your pocket/pull out some hope for me"
warning: this matchbox 20 phase of mine might get out of hand this week
somebody please bring me pancakes that’s all I want
1. “Reliving” the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity
Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
Repeated upsetting memories of the event
Repeated nightmares of the event
Strong, uncomfortable reactions to situations that remind you of the event
Emotional “numbing,” or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
Being unable to remember important aspects of the trauma
Having a lack of interest in normal activities
Showing less of your moods
Avoiding places, people, or thoughts that remind you of the event
Feeling like you have no future
Having an exaggerated response to things that startle you
Feeling more aware (hypervigilance)
Feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger
Having trouble falling or staying asleep
I’ve been holed away in academia-land for days stroking my nerd boner beneath the twin radiances of free speech theory and an increasingly nihilistic worldview
(actually I’ve been at the Blue Door about 8 times in the last 6 days don’t tell my advisor)
…And I’ve reached the conclusion that I would just like to earn a phD (or maybe two of them), and then grab my hiking boots and disappear from respectable circles and carry on with life as usual raising hell or baking bread or whatever it is I’m probably meant to be doing
I want to carry the ivory tower with me in my backpack
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